Happy

So it's been a long time coming, but I realized recently that I was happy for the first time in a loooong time. Now I haven't been just a big cloud of depressiveness every day, I mean, I'm a generally "happy" person, so you wouldn't know it to look at me that I wasn't truly happy. I know now that the life I was leading for the last 4-5 years wasn't as great as I had tried to make myself believe. I wasn't close to God, or growing closer, I should say. I was dating someone that truly stressed me out unconsciously (I see that now) and every day was a struggle with him. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, it frustrated me all the time that I didn't know. I was sick, and doctors couldn't figure it out, so I was seeing doctors ALL the time. I was in a job that I hated, and I was constantly on the road, basically living out of a suitcase. But when I was going through all of that, I literally thought I was fine. I just had to keep going.

But now - lots of things have changed. I'm growing closer to God every day! I feel him working in my life daily. Not that he wasn't before...but I wasn't listening or paying attention! I broke up with the guy that I had dated for 4 years, and I am glad now that I did. There is NO way I could have been happy and spent the rest of my life with him. Now, given, not trying to put him down because he's a great guy and I really will always love him. I'm just stating the facts, here, about our relationship. Just wasnt' the one God intended. I now know what I want to be when I "grow" up, and I'm in school to do just that. I am definitley not as sick as I was a year or two years ago, and though I'm not 100 percent yet, I'm definitely getting better I feel. I felt that after I had that treatment of antibiotics in 2008. But yes, better. I'm no longer working in that job that I hated. I go to school full time, and I enjoy my master's program! I am also working on Joy physically, and all that entails. Gym, eating habits, you know, those things. I have time to devote to my family and friends when they need me. I'm not on the road NEAR as much as I used to be, it's definitely not every weekend. I actually feel like I'm living in the house that I own and call home.

It's amazing how God works in your life like that. I've def had a rough last five years - but it could have been a LOT worse. But now that I'm in a different place in my life - I can look back and see where I've been and say yeah, that sucked, but you made it! :)

I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be "happy." And I have new experiences and changes in my life every day. Things that I didn't even know I could or would experience. I dont' know who said it, but you're only as happy as you allow yourself to be. I'm allowing myself to be a lot happier than I have in the past 5 years because I am growing up. Everybody goes through times like I've described. I'm just elated that I feel generally HAPPY about where my life is going!! :)

A positive attitude is a powerful thing. My grandmother taught me that. Now I feel like I am truly living up to my name. That's why they call me Joyous, right? :)